Death or Divorce?

I have heard many times that the two hardest things to deal with in life are death and divorce.  In my opinion, divorce has to be the most difficult.  I obviously can only speak for myself and my experiences in life and I don't mean to demean the loss of a loved one, but it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do/experience in my life.  I have never really lost someone all that close to me and my faith allows me to know that this life on Earth is not the final step, I will see them again.  I have felt emptiness and I miss them dearly but positive memories help me get through those times.  Due to the nature of most divorces, positive memories have been erased by betrayal and second guessing.  It is difficult to heal from something that is "covered" in misery.   

A little background...my divorce would be considered a very easy divorce in the scope of most divorces.  Especially those we are bombarded with on TV or magazines today.  There were not months of fighting before we decided to divorce, nor were there months of custody battles.  We used the same lawyer, I took legal custody of our 14 month old son without much of an argument and there was a simple 50/50 split of assets (cars, savings account, etc...) with no child support requested.  So why do I still think that divorce is one of the hardest things in life to deal with?  It's simple......we had decided that we no longer wanted to live with or share our life with each other any longer, but if you have a child together, you are still stuck with that person for the rest of your life. I no longer have feelings for my ex, not one shred of them, yet I still have to talk to her almost on a weekly basis and even plan my current family's schedule with her permission or support in that I need to make sure I am considering my son's well being.  Families are difficult enough to manage let alone needing to "consult" someone that one way or another, you don't like anymore.  I have to deal with the same issues for which we divorced in the fact that her narcissism plays out on a regular basis with how she speaks to our child or how she treats my new wife.  Marriage to me is one of, if not the most important relationship we can have.....I didn't simply consider it "breaking up" as many do today.  I took the vows/covenants I made that day VERY seriously.  Once she broke those it was quite damaging to me on a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level.  In fact, I still deal with many emotional scars.     

In death, we are left with an empty feeling that for most people can be filled with love, faith and good memories over time.  In divorce, we are left we negative feelings, emptiness and lost love that may or may not have an end. Although I am in a much healthier relationship and am extremely happy, there is an emptiness still from the "failure" that has occurred.  Now I freely admit that I have a conscience that it is a bit more subject to devastating guilt than the rest (I hate to hurt people or feel as if I failed someone), but when there is a child involved, I can't seem to think there is not some sort of emptiness.  The greatest feeling of failure I have is for my son.  I feel as if I failed him.  No matter how well I heal from it, it is something that he has to deal with for the rest of his life and he did nothing to deserve it.   

If my wife was to die today, the loss would be traumatic for me and our children.  I don't mean to imply that it would not be difficult, very difficult.  I take great pride and relief in knowing that I have treated her in such a way that I can feel confident that I have worked my butt off to make this marriage/family a success.  There would be an empty feeling from her loss, of that I am sure.  But I am confident that it can be eased through great memories, happiness and knowledge of life after death.  Not that you ever stop missing someone, but with death, there is a pseudo ending or moving on.  In divorce with children, there is no "end".  I see her weekly, if not more often than that.  This morning, I spent 30 minutes with her on the phone planning the next few months.  I hate it.  I just want it to be over and for us to move on and I never have to see her again.  I am reminded of my "failure" every time I see her.  I have to deal with someone on an intimate level that I do not really like on any level.  There are no two ways about it; it is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life!!  Fortunately, I love my son enough to do whatever it takes to give him the best life I can.  Even if that means swallowing my tongue when she does something I perceive as stupid and I want to yell, "What were you thinking"?   

What do you think?  I would love to hear your two cents.   

As I write this blog entry, I realize how difficult it is to truly "express" oneself in writing.  Please forgive my "amateur" writing skills.  I hope to get better and have this to be something that educates and entertains you.